Candy of the Bitter Kind

Every time I board a subway, no matter where I'm at, I immediately think of the novel Candy by Kevin Brooks. Main character Joe writes in his song "Candy":

The girl at the station
The girl with the smile
The moment's temptation
To stay for awhile
Candy, your eyes
Take me away

I think the words as soon as my feet cross the threshold between station platform and subway car, and instantly I change. My entire being changes. I think of Joe and Candy, the heroin-addicted prostitute who can't get out of her lifestyle, and the experiences they go through. I think of the way Joe takes care of her, helps her get off the drugs, and nearly ends up losing his life because of it. In an urban world of drugs, sex, and guns, you can't take chances. And he takes one too many.

I stare at the passengers outside the subway window and I wonder how many of them are living lives they hate. I wonder how many have nothing to go home to. I see the businessmen and ponder how many hate their jobs. I see small children and wonder what world they're growing up in.

A subway station, and an entire city for that matter, is a writer's heaven. An author's playground. If each person on that subway, each person rushing somewhere or another, could answer my questions and give testimony to the way urban living has affected them, I'd fill every single empty notebook in my closet. Every one.

As much as I'd hate to live in a big city, all the noise and pollution and angry cab drivers, I can't imagine anything more tempting. I can see myself on a subway every morning, scribbling away furiously in my little green notebook, committing every single person to memory. If possible, I'd ask people questions. If I couldn't figure out their real story, I'd write them one. They'd become instant-bake characters, the kind you pop in the microwave for three minutes and end up with a full novel written about. They'd be perfect.

I can see myself in a loft or apartment on the quiet side of town, typing on my laptop at four in the morning because I just can't get the people out of my head. I can see the way they'd affect me, change me, inspire me and pain me, too. I'd never forget them. I'd always see them in my head, every time I sat to write. They'd always be a part of me--their stories would become my story, too.

Can you see the temptation? The need for inspiration? I'm naught but a mere writer, a stupid little girl with a pen and paper who relies on imagination and observation to weave tales of make-believe and shocking reality. Can you see why I'd fare well?

I'd never want to be Candy, or Joe. But every time I board a subway, I want to be in their place. I want to ride their subway, see their story, see the things that they see. I want to live as my characters do, to understand.

Someday I might. Maybe not. Who knows? My life is even more unpredictable than my outlines. And that is saying something, considering that I change my mind every five seconds while writing...