"I Thought that Being Strong Meant Never Losing Your Self-Control..."

I thought of you today. Saw someone wearing a sweatshirt just like the one you gave me and it made me think of you. The red one, remember? It was a present, in case you're forgetting.

I don't wear that sweatshirt anymore. Makes me think of all those gatherings we both attended. But you're never there now; it's just me and the others, creating new memories that don't include you.

Found an old email today, one you wrote. From over a year ago. Remember those days? You actually sounded cheerful. Hopeful. Sort of ironic that the happiness of it made me sad.

Your picture sits on my bookshelf, right next to the American Girl doll I haven't played with in years. Once in a great while I'm motivated enough to change what she's wearing, to match the season or my mood, but most of the time I forget. Sometimes I wonder where your doll is, the one who has clothes just like mine. You would have never forgotten to change her clothes.

You were always just a little bit more perfect than I was. Seems kind of silly to resent you for that now. The time I spent being envious of you was foolishly wasted on my part.

It's distressing for me to look at your picture. You're smiling, exactly as you always did, and the trees you stand between are still in their places back home. The trees are still there, even though you left. When I'm too furious to even glance at you, I flip the frame down and force your image to stare at the white paint of the shelf. That's what you get, I think to myself.

Have I thought of you often? Too often. Do I miss you? Of course. But I would never tell you that.

People say it's good to feel, to let go. It's not feeling that I have trouble with. The hard part for me is getting past the hurt and moving on with my life, with all our lives.

As for forgiveness, I don't know what to say. In my words, you're forgiven. In my mind, I'm still too angry to do anything but blame you for all the damage you've caused.

The next time we meet--because there will be a next time--be prepared for my questions. I'm already braced for your answers.