Today was... rough. Very hard to get through. It wasn't just the AP tests, either, because I've been beaten over the head with tests since it was possible to take them.
It was the thought of you that haunted me all day.
All of my energy was required to focus on the test before me. I couldn't breathe right, sit right, think right... I wanted to scream, but the AP proctor probably would have hurt me for that.
No, I lied. I didn't want to scream. Screaming wouldn't have helped. Sobbing, maybe, but crying is embarrassing and unnecessary. I think, well, I know what I wanted to do, I guess. I wanted to run from the room, get in my car, and drive to where you are.
I wanted to see you. I wanted to know that you really and truly do still exist. I wanted to be reassured that this past year hasn't simply been a horrifying nightmare.
I wanted to be told that I'm not crazy.
Missing you isn't enough, because anyone can miss somebody. I can miss my cat, but that doesn't feel the same. It's not as if I'll die without seeing you; quite frankly, I'm stronger than that.
Well, I lied again--I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I'll specify: My life won't end because you're no longer in it, but a part of me has already died because of what you did. You're a murderer, did you know? A coldblooded killer. I hope there's enough ring to that title to satisfy you.
It scares me to feel like this, to be empty and yet so distracted at the same time. I'm not numb, I'm not aching, and I'm not hysterical; no, I'm cool, calm, and shattered on the inside, instead.
So thanks. Thanks for everything. And happy birthday.
15 years ago
No comments:
Post a Comment