Indecisively Decided

I wish I knew what to think. How to feel. How to function. But I'm in so deep that there's no escape, and I'm getting sick of the lies.

The deceit is mind-boggling. I can't quite... Wait, that's a lie, too, so I'll just stop myself. I can comprehend it.

I'm a good liar. A rather spectacular one, actually. It's nothing to be proud of. In fact, it's downright shameful. The only reason I've come to realize it is because I've needed lies.

People used to ask if I was "okay," and I would say yes. That, of course, was back when I certainly was not. But I lied. Every day.

Now I'm just really good at it, even though things really are "okay" now. I don't have to lie to other people. My situation no longer necessitates lying.

Does circumstance create deceit, or does deceit create circumstance? Chicken or egg? I wish I knew. I wish I could understand myself.

Oops. Another lie. I do understand myself. I just don't always like what I see. So I lie to myself to fix it.

Endless cycle, right? Vicious, eternal circle. I guess I should be used to it. Or maybe just get used to it, anyway.

Because people don't change. Trust me, I know they don't. I spend my days feeling everything they feel, and even when they lie, their emotions betray them. They're always the same.

And since I'm a person--last time I checked, anyway--it is certain that I won't change, either.