Answers, Please

Can you tell me what it feels like
To be nothing, nothing, nothing
Nothing but air in lungs
Nothing but words on tongues

Can you tell me what to expect
Because I'm nothing, nothing, nothing
Nothing but a pest on paper
Nothing but everything I shouldn't be

Can you tell me what to do
To stop this nothing, nothing, nothing
Nothing just won't leave me alone
And nothing's the reason I'm this way.

"Daughters Don't Give You Choices."

Thank you, Daymare [Cassie's padre/my co-padre] for so aptly stating the truth. Daughters really don't give their fathers choices, I believe. I mean, I don't boss my father around, but it's pretty common knowledge that a lot of girls know exactly how to melt their fathers...

Little girls are the best examples. I've met very few young girls who weren't bossy to some degree [I know I was definitely a boss], and with their dads it's another whole level. And shockingly enough, even the most "manly" and "tough" fathers cave when their daughters ask them for something.

I'm not entirely sure why this is. Perhaps it's because they see something of their wives in their daughters. Or maybe men just naturally have a soft spot for little girls; I've seen even boys my age talk kindly with small girls, and it damn near shocks me every time.

Or it could be the way "Daddy" slips out at just the right moments...

Absolutely Thrilling.

This week has been ridiculously long. Every morning so far, I've managed to disable my alarm instead of hitting snooze, so I end up finally awake a half hour later than usual. I've spent the majority of my time at other people's homes--namely Maddy's and Kailey's--because there's been so many projects/plans to do/make.

My creative juices have FINALLY gotten their act together, or so it seems, anyway. The constant poetry on here is a rather vibrant indicator of that, I think. But my novels remain untouched; not because I don't or can't want to work on them, but because I honestly haven't had time.

This afternoon was spent at Maddy's, constructing a styrofoam layer cake for a lengthy Trig project [that we twins, Debbie, and Cuaderno have wonderfully conquered]. If I try to explain it to you, there's a high risk that your brain will implode, so let's just stick with saying that we simply "ran with whatever we could come up with."

It does look cool, though. Exactly like a real cake...

Now I'm finishing up an English essay, one that I'm positive will not be receiving great feedback. It quite literally goes nowhere and reaches no point, instead opting to run in circles and repeat the same thing a few times. Sort of makes me nauseous, but I've got nothing left. Nothing. I'm just glad it's almost the end of the school year.

Amazing, isn't it? I can write and write and write my little heart out on this thing, but present me with an unfinished novel or a literary critique and my mind has a detrimental seizure. Amazing.

As soon as I'm done with this--which may not be so soon, seeing as I'm deliberately procrastinating--I have physics to finish, and then I'm putting myself to bed. Kailey volunteered to drive tomorrow, so I technically don't have to "wake up" until we pull into the school parking lot. It's a great feeling. :]

And what will the weekend bring? No idea. Well, I'm working on Sunday, and going to a fundraiser for awhile on Saturday, but other than that I'm clueless. Hopefully there's a chance to sleep in waiting on the horizon...

Ah, sleep. Don't really remember what that feels like. Or how it feels to socialize, either.

Time with friends? What?

To the End of the World

Maybe you'll find that I'm the safest place
Seek shelter right behind my burning eyes
Someday we'll make the patient mountains pace

As tears of bafflement stream down my face
The pleading crowds stare helpless at the wise
Maybe you'll find that I'm the safest place.

My shallow, bleeding heart begins to race
The temperatures and tempers start to rise
Someday we'll make the patient mountains pace.

With secrets kept within a bolted case
A solitary figure turns and sighs
Maybe you'll find that I'm the safest place.

The narrow, bending path that I will trace
Will lead us both to where the moonlight dies
Someday we'll make the patient mountains pace.

Dreaming of seas and clouds lined with white lace
The sun will set forever for black skies
Maybe I'll find that it's the safest place
Someday we'll make these patient mountains pace.

Advertising Agony

Of the many commercials I absolutely despise, one in particular stands out whenever I take the time to consider it. Every single time it flashes on the screen I just about cry because it makes no sense whatsoever.

I'd be willing to bet that it irritates other people, too. Cassie was the one who first pointed it out to me, so I know she's in on the loathing...

It's the Cialis commercial with the two naked people sitting in separate bathtubs on a cliff.

ARGH. Seriously! For one, who the hell sits in bathtubs on cliffs? How did they get the bathtubs there? Why did they put the bathtubs there? And what would prompt them to sit naked on top of a cliff anyway?

Oh, and my favorite question, the one I still don't quite get: How exactly do you go about having sex in separate bathtubs??

You know what? I don't want to know the answer to that. Too graphic for me. Too... No. No, I don't want to know.

Half Past One on One

It's me versus the alibi
Hold your breath, and take me down
Somebody should be screaming
I'll pick the worst of two roads
And I'll bend the fork that binds them
Reflections in shallow spoons
Shallow pools
So much to see in such a short time

Your words wash over me
Cleansing and destructive
Steel wool on marshmallow
Step toward me, scared
Afraid to be awkward here
Eyes scan, left to right to left
And I'm waiting for your advance
Smile and wave, they said
Smile and wave

How are you? It's the worst
Possible question to ask
Because it always gets deceit for a reply
"Fine" works just fine
We'll both use that and skip
The formalities entirely
Save your breath, and take me down
Somebody should be screaming
But no soul dares speak

It's me versus the lies
And I've never been too clever.

Untraceable

Follow me into the light
Where I'll disappear
And you'll be left alone.
You can't catch me now.

I've been fighting it
And there's a greatness there
But there's also dark.
You won't find me now.

Intentionally puzzling
Makes me feel awful
And wrecks your world.
You can't hide your thoughts.

So I'm sorry, terribly
Sorry you're a part of this.
Remind me not to reach out
Or you won't be the same.

And all I could do was roll my eyes.

I just finished working tonight, and as usual, Abby was the victim of yet another embarrassing situation.

Part of my job at Panera is to clean the restrooms, a job I reluctantly but dutifully perform every time I work a closing shift. Honestly, it's not that bad. But today was hilarious.

Protocol says I must knock on the men's door, listen for a reply, and then cautiously peer into the room. Well, I did, and nobody was there, so I entered and propped open the door so any intruders would see me and realize that they needed to wait a few minutes.

A man walks in, stares at me for a second, and proceeds to pee. With me standing there, still in a bit of shock that he is actually going to do what he's doing.

Umm, no thanks?

So I slammed the paper towel dispenser shut and scurried out the door, eager to leave Mr. Modest behind. I relayed my story to Thing 2 [one of my twinsie friends that works there] and she just laughed, saying that such incidences occur quite often and that I was lucky not to have seen more than I did. Which, I might add, was much more than I desired to see.

What happened to decency??

It Poured Emotion

Rainwater ballet on a cool, misty night
We're whirling and twirling and screaming
And there's so little anyone could do
Soaked to the skin and smiling wide
I'm wearing whatever I could find
And forgetting to care that it's now ruined.

Crackling air warns us of what's coming
It's light in the darkness, so calm, so foreboding
A flash of hope to sobbing skies and crying eyes
Closer, closer, inching closer still
And all we want is to touch that light
To be free of the midnight that encases
And consumes everything we love.

Even blind, I can still see you clearly
Beautiful, and each unlike the next
Innocence died along with blue skies
We've embraced our newfound flaws
And the broken lives we've so created
Never needing to be like them
Love costs so much more than that.

And that's exactly what it is, love
In its most unexpected form
Not enough to heal the damage
Not enough to change the world
Not enough to save us
And yet, enough to distract
To occupy the imagination
To make this awful storm we've weathered
Almost worth the while.

Check It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0oNBZZPpFk

Go to that site, please. It's the video my DI friend RoyGBrown made last year after we painted THE rock down at UT at Globals '07.

The moments where it seems like there's a lot of people just standing around are actually moments where we less artistic folk were trying to figure out what the heck the real artists were doing. Trust me, it's harder than it looks to paint that rock...

There will be another video from this year. We painted it 4 times this round, though, because people kept painting over it.

Seriously. Check it. One of the coolest things I've done.

From the Seventh Story Window

The silver of your eyes is sickening
Because they were always so, so blue,
And in this moment I began to see
Exactly how you would hurt me to lose.
I've been out in the cold and burned by fire;
I'm nothing but what these scars have made me,
And as for you--oh, you and your dreams
You're exactly the dead end I didn't care to meet.

Excuses pave over the blatant tire tracks;
I'm so, so guilty, to the point of innocence.
Funny how time's never been able to slow
Funnier how its speed never will make sense.
It's terribly tragic, the way this one ends,
So I'll fold the corner and set it down.
Better off never knowing what happened that night
Even better left thinking you were never around.

Finish my thoughts, please, and turn the page,
Because I'm not going to ever be the same.
I don't want you,
Or anyone else,
To feel this love, this hate, this goodness,
This evil in us all
Until you're too late to be saved.

Music Fix

Yesterday, when Cassie and I were doing our homework, a song came on her iPod that I hadn't heard before [what a surprise]. I definitely loved it, so I felt like sharing it with you. If I can somehow find a way to legally get it onto this blog's playlist, I will.

It's called "I'm Yours," by Jason Mraz. I much prefer the alternate version to the regular, but they're both very cool. The second one is called "I'm Yours (from the Casa Nova Sessions)" [or something along those lines] on iTunes if you're interested. Ignore the diabolically bad grammar if it bugs you--I'm immune to it by now. Direct result of being in high school with idiots who can't speak properly.

Lyrics:

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well, open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn, you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love
Listen to the music at the moment, dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's your god-intended right to be loved, loved, loved, loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
So I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'm a-saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
It cannot wait, I'm yours

No, please don't complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
No, please don't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, the sky is yours...



There's a bit more, but most of it is just one huge variation of the whole song, so I don't really feel obligated to post it...

More in a bit. Abbs will catch you later.

Vanishing Act

Saw an old email from you today, and it sent my composure straight to hell. I've never felt so guilty. There you were, just miles away, and I sat here at the computer and typed you some stupid email about school and all the trivial aspects of my boring life.

You were slipping away from me as I typed. I wasted precious moments, seconds, minutes, to tell you things you probably didn't care to hear. That time should have been spent telling you all the things that matter, I think.

Like how much I loved you. We loved you. Well, we still do, I suppose. They do, at least. I'm not so sure if I can.

Or maybe I should have said how much it hurt to see you slowly drifting away. Or possibly how it would destroy us all when you never bothered to say goodbye.

Life isn't supposed to wound us like this, is it? We're not supposed to feel this kind of pain. Transitions are meant to be rough yet tolerable; this was anything but that. Rough? Certainly. Tolerable? Ha.

I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes that I wonder if I care more for you now than I did before. I don't look at photos anymore, because I don't want to see your face. I've memorized where there are pictures of you in the house and I force myself not to look in that direction when I walk by.

I want to break my invincible character, to scream and cry and beg, to plead with you to make this right. To fix this. Please, help me heal them, the ones you hurt. Help me sew us back together. Please. Please.

You never said goodbye. You never said you loved me back. If it takes a hundred years, I'll wait to hear you say it.

And if you never do... Well, I hope it weighs heavy on your conscience.

Faded Garden

Twist my vision to make yourself look better
Or turn the corners of my mouth
Because all I ever do is smile for you
Laugh for you
Scream for you
I'm tired, so tired of being your option.

Shake my world and watch it shiver
Snow globe in frosted, crackling glass
And I'll stare at the falling snow
Whirling flakes
Trembling flakes
You're not exactly what I'd imagined.

Parallels begin to merge, and I'm
Diving upward into a shallow night
But you catch me every time
Hold my breath
Steal my breath
Someday I'll learn to walk again.

You disappear and the lights click on
Shadows hold no interest in my frenzy
Because you always loved the sunbeams
Glittering rays
Deceitful sparkles
If I could touch you now, we would dance together in the lies.

This Just Hasn't Been My Day

Though my mood is far from dismal and my choices have been fairly decent, I'm a bit discomfited to announce that today really hasn't been my day.

I don't believe in luck. I have a little bit of stock in fate and destiny and all that fun stuff, but luck is something I was pretty sure didn't exist. Today's events have disproved that theory, at least for bad luck, anyway.

Apart from tripping into the same wall three times, repeatedly knocking my elbow into Kailey's desk during English, and just now cracking my skull on the ceiling of Maddy's van, the majority of the day was wonderful. I got the chance to see my friends again after disappearing for so many days, and I was pleased to discover that tomorrow's physics exam won't be as awful as I'd originally expected. Other things, too, made me smile throughout the day--but only when I wasn't falling down.

Seriously, this off-balance crap is ridiculous. No one else I know slips and crashes as much as I do, including most book characters. For those who have read Twilight, compare my grace to that of Bella Swan. Literally. And don't leave out any of the small details, like stumbling over door stoppers or sliding across even the tiniest patch of ice...

Most kids outgrow this. I guess that's not my style. Because today was definitely not my day.

Yes, I'm Alive :]

From Wednesday of last week until yesterday evening, my DI team and I spent every waking moment together at Global Finals in Knoxville, Tennessee. So many things happened--all of them wonderful and unforgettable--so it's going to take me awhile to explain those five amazing days. And I swear, I will tell all.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time at this exact moment to fulfill that promise, seeing as I just finished homework five minutes ago and there's tons of stuff I need to do before tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow, too, is extremely busy for me, so you probably won't see any Global posts at least until Wednesday night. Maybe Thursday, I don't know...

'Til then, smiles on. Abbs is out. :]

Melting

I'll be that candle you see
Glowing in the darkest night
And as all candles do, I'll burn
Right down to nothing
Fire is the only demon I can't fight.

Yet you'll manipulate me
Round out the edges, turn
My wick around to even out
The damage
Leaving no part of me intact.

Only worth burning for the effect
You love to watch me disappear
Makes you happy, sick with joy
Makes me wonder why I'm here.