Who Called It?

Like I said, late Sunday night, right?

Anyway. Relay for Life was a great experience. I have to admit, I cried during the Luminaria walk, despite my aversion to public crying. It was rough, you know? So many people all feeling angry and sad and hurt, all at the same time... My emotional sensors went haywire. And that didn't even include the fact that I, too, was feeling those very same emotions.

With that combination weighing on my heart, I cried like a little girl and forgot to be ashamed.

It did get quite cold, but I curled up in Treble's tent with six other girls and slept for a few hours that night. The wind and rain couldn't stop us from having a good time. I think my total distance for the walk was eleven miles, a sum that definitely can't compare to what some of the other kids did. If I'm sore, they must be in agony...

And yet, it was worth it. It was all worth the effort. May cancer rot in the hell in deserves.

RFL

Today--and for the next twenty-four hours--is Relay for Life, where hundreds of people choose to walk to find a cure for cancer. I've never done it before, but I'm definitely excited. :]

My school has an 150-person team, so we're going to be absolutely brimming with donations. Always a good thing. Pinks and I are driving up to the location early to help Treble set up a tent, but not before we stop at my Panera and get some breakfast...

So I won't be around for awhile. After Relay I'll have trig up to my ears to finish and memorize [damn math induction proofs] and I'll probably be sleeping, too. Tomorrow in the evening I've got Bread Bash at work [long story, not relevant really] so I'll be there for awhile as well.

Probably no time to blog. At least not until after work tomorrow. If I feel really and truly inspired, you might see me put something up late Sunday night.

Well, maybe.

Sparkle, Please

This is a funny way of saying it
An awkward phrase I'd rather not use
But it functions
And it gets the point across
So I suppose it will be fine.

This is not another game for me
A pastel scene I'd rather avoid
But it's mine
And it's full of my secrets
So I suppose it will be fine.

This is a gap within my pattern
An unorthodox break I'd rather not have
But it satisfies
And it shatters monotony
So I suppose it will be fine.

This was the cave in which I lost it all
A silent hideaway I'd rather see crumble
But it was good then
And it was beautiful to me
So maybe now, after all that this was
It will just be fine.

"The Corkscrew was Two Minutes of My Life that I Will Never Get Back."

We went to Cedar Point today for physics. Unlike my last [awful] visit to CP, I actually got to ride some rides--Iron Dragon [twice, lol], Millennium, Maverick, Magnum [we're going for an "M" theme], Corkscrew, and Wicked Twister. Still no Raptor, as I strongly believe the staff for that ride is conspiring against me.

However, in a fashion quite similar to that of my last trip, it poured. First it drizzled, then it stormed, then it drizzled, etc. Sort of ick. My clothes are very wet [see posts about last Sunday for a detailed explanation about how much I hate being wet] and my hair somewhat resembles a deflated porcupine.

I had fun, though. Maverick is ridiculously fast and quite cool/spectacular as long as you keep your head back so your ears don't bounce against the harness. Corkscrew still sucks about as much as it always does; I really don't know why I ever ride that one. And Millennium is still freaking scary and amazing...

A good and bad day overall, I suppose. Nothing too special but nothing too terrible. At least I wasn't in school. :D

Shake the Stars out of my Blankets

Night, though my favorite time of day for writing, happens to also be the time when I find myself the hardest to understand. I transform from this composed, structured, bright young girl into a dark, perplexed, mysterious thing.

This is no magic spell, no wicked curse cast upon me since birth. No, this is just what happens inside my head when the sun goes down.

Any emotion--mine or otherwise--that might not have been clear during the daytime hours becomes suddenly lucid, and I can analyze with grave speculation what was going on in everyone's minds throughout the day. Colors and shapes fill the gaps in my thoughts, and there is never a quiet moment for me.

It's getting easier to read people and to cope with their emotions, but at the same time it's only getting worse. Every day I see how much more I have to learn about the human mind, how many more emotions exist that I've never felt before.

I guess I shouldn't call them new, though, because they're all just variations of the basic tones. Sometimes I'll encounter a combination of feeling that I've yet to explore, and that alone is enough to distract me for a whole day...

So at night, I take what I've learned and file it away, sifting through the alien emotions to find the ones that are my own. Until I've found them, I don't sleep; nocturnal life has been my only style these past seventeen years.

All of my flaws come out at night, every imperfection I'm ashamed to say exists. Each time the sun sinks below the horizon line, its pinks and oranges carry away the last persistent vestiges of my sanity, and I delve once again into the violent waters of confusion and misconception.

It's getting late. I'm tired, but I won't be sleeping yet. The light is gone and so is my hope; it's time to let the demons out to play.

Time to see myself for what I really am.

Pretty Little Thief

I'm not sure what I did to make this happen
But I'm sorry
I'm sorry that it turned out this way
And with every shudder I will remember it all
Every morning, every night, every moment
Floods my head and pierces my veins
We deserve to live, I think

Cutthroat era, violent age
I'm cold and unfeeling and nothing like you
You tried so hard to make me perfect
But I'm not capable of that
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that your standards never sank to my height

My stance is hostile, eyes betrayed
I spoke as if my words were healing glass
The pane I'd already shattered by my actions
There is no stronger adhesive than deceit
So I filled your ears with lies
That fixed the damaged walls

I'd love to think that you could forgive me
I'm not that small
I'm sorry
So sorry for this
Let grass grow over the ancient grave
Before the cruelest flowers kill us all.

Thirty-Three Midnights

I'm a sad excuse for what you've made me
But I don't think you're any better
I could be, no
I couldn't.
So wrap me up in lies and steel
Smiling in that smirk I love and loathe

Silver clouds in untold dreams
I want to hold tight to what I've lost
Leave me in the middle of the one-way
And maybe I'll crawl the one way back

Because you never really saw this
I should have forced you to
Everything would've been different
Wishful thought, wishful dread
You're the ghost that haunts my empty hollows

Put my withering sunshine in the closet
And you'll drop your heavy heart in my hands
I'm your savior, but no saint
Maybe someday we'll both understand.

I Dried My Hair with a Bathroom Hand Dryer Today [Thought You'd Like to Know]

It might interest you to hear that now I'm not only badly sunburned from Saturday, but also twelve hundred degrees colder than the natural temperature as a result of today.

Instead of having a pretty day, we got a downpour, and I got to literally stand in the torrents of rain from noon until six. I've never been so cold; I still don't have feeling in my toes. I contemplated cutting my clothing off when I got home simply because it would be less painful than trying to peel off the soaked jeans...

I'm finally starting to warm up. Was it worth the money? It kind of has to be, I think. We needed it. Two days of yuck is worth it, I suppose [see two posts ago if you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about].

But I'm going to smell like wet dog from now until Christmas, and that sort of--no, really disgusts me.

No Common Genetics. None.

As I type, my little brother Matteo is making "videos of my life" on his cell phone.

So far these nasty little videos include me walking up the stairs and falling flat on my face, and then waking up in the morning and falling down the stairs. Of course, the real me isn't actually in the videos, but he's shooting them as if it's from MY perspective; the camera shot goes from the bottom of the stairs to the top and then to the tile, accordingly.

He's such a sweetheart, isn't he? A really great guy. Remind me why I don't beat him... Oh, because he's bigger than me. That's right.

Damn it.

"ComegoleftrighttunnelchutesitstayTARGETTHEA-FRAMEGOSHDARNIT"

Okay, here's my deal. I'm not an animal person. Yes, I like cats and dogs--I have two dogs, after all, and I had two cats at one point--but my interests are limited to specific types of dog and cat. Chihuahuas, for example, are not in my interest range. Not even a little bit.

This weekend is The Dog Show, one of my DI team's biggest fundraisers. From 7:30 to 4:30 today, my kiddles and I ran the rings at this dog agility contest, doing things like running leashes and fluffing chutes and raising/lowering jump bars. We begin again tomorrow at 7:30 and finish sometime around 5 or 6ish.

Shoot me. Seriously. Put me out of this misery, would you? I asked my mom to do it earlier, and she wouldn't...

It's not exactly difficult work, but it's tedious. I AM grateful that they donate as much as they do to our team, but that gratitude has no bearing whatsoever on my dislike for the show. Like I said, I like dogs, but these dog people are crazy.

Literally crazy, as in questionable insane. They're all nuts. I didn't think it was possible for a human being to love a dog more than another human, but apparently it's possible.

There are some that are really, REALLY nice. Some are downright sweet and kindhearted, and these nice people are a lot more grounded than the crazies. But then there are the psychotic trainers who sincerely believe that their dogs are their biological children.

My team and I make up what's called the "ring crew," but to the not-so-nice dog trainers we're simply somebody to chuck a leash at when a dog doesn't perform so well. I try not to let it hurt my feelings--they are crazy, after all, and couldn't possibly know any better--yet it's still sort of mean.

So now I'm exhausted, sunburned [a flamingo shade of pink, you might say], and wearing eau d'anxious Border Collie. It's great.

The good news? My team can go to Globals now...

Illogical Rationality

Saltwater's never been my favorite flavor
I don't often dig up trenches where I shouldn't
Rivers form all by themselves for me

I don't
I can't really want to change this
I'm hanging on to the edge of a breath
Because it's all that's worth grasping
This is no dream for me
This is real, and it's not going anywhere

I run, run far from the source
Try to keep my composure
If nothing, it's what I'm known for
Holding up when all else falls
When all walls crumble

At least I'm better than their concrete barriers
I don't require any effort
And I'm not going to make any demands
I hide behind my own intentions
My own flaws are my protection
So nobody expects anything better anyway

I'm consistent, though
Perhaps that will eventually count for something.
Constancy...
I achieved it when my world could not.

Warnings are just Sick Suggestions.

Black boxes full of eerie light
Sparkle in the shadows I inhabit
I'm the one with the shallow eyes
And the look that just might kill the dead.

Take me for whatever works
I'm used to being used that way
It's not always so terrible
Not when compared.

Triangles of lime and neon
Oscillate in average scenes
He was somebody once, you know
And she must have been somebody, too.

So shake what's fragile
If it doesn't survive, it shouldn't have
And it's better off this way
Preferred in pieces, not in whole.

To be tempted is to be expected to go wrong
Isn't it?

Oh, This Silly Month of May...

So my life is pretty much insane right now [I definitely sounded like Maddy there lol]. I wake up early, go to school, kick some academic ass, hustle my bum home, change clothes, and head somewhere else. Yesterday it was DI. Today it was work. I'm home now--didn't take very long to fill out paperwork--but still, it's nuts.

I kind of like it, though. If I wasn't busy, I would be bored, and we all know how well I function with nothing to do. Maybe I'm better off distracted.

There's a lot going on in my head right now. Much insanity. It's not... Well, I won't say it isn't bad, because it's a little frustrating, but I guess it's not the end of the world.

What a cliché. Of course it's not the end of the world. Nothing ever is. The world continues to spin around me while I find myself standing still.

Can't progress, can't regress, can't find my place. Here is now and it always will be, I suppose. But I don't want to move into the future, and I really can't go back into the past...

If we understood it, it wouldn't be worth the thought, would it?

Why I Don't Like Today

Today was... rough. Very hard to get through. It wasn't just the AP tests, either, because I've been beaten over the head with tests since it was possible to take them.

It was the thought of you that haunted me all day.

All of my energy was required to focus on the test before me. I couldn't breathe right, sit right, think right... I wanted to scream, but the AP proctor probably would have hurt me for that.

No, I lied. I didn't want to scream. Screaming wouldn't have helped. Sobbing, maybe, but crying is embarrassing and unnecessary. I think, well, I know what I wanted to do, I guess. I wanted to run from the room, get in my car, and drive to where you are.

I wanted to see you. I wanted to know that you really and truly do still exist. I wanted to be reassured that this past year hasn't simply been a horrifying nightmare.

I wanted to be told that I'm not crazy.

Missing you isn't enough, because anyone can miss somebody. I can miss my cat, but that doesn't feel the same. It's not as if I'll die without seeing you; quite frankly, I'm stronger than that.

Well, I lied again--I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I'll specify: My life won't end because you're no longer in it, but a part of me has already died because of what you did. You're a murderer, did you know? A coldblooded killer. I hope there's enough ring to that title to satisfy you.

It scares me to feel like this, to be empty and yet so distracted at the same time. I'm not numb, I'm not aching, and I'm not hysterical; no, I'm cool, calm, and shattered on the inside, instead.

So thanks. Thanks for everything. And happy birthday.

No Benefits for the Beneficiaries

Wandering down concrete walls of painted red and starlight blue
And I'm sneaking my way to the corner
Broken knees and broken hearts never shattered quite so nicely
I'm bound by my conscience and its constant pestering
Shouldn't have gone there
Shouldn't have done that
Shouldn't have said all those words that I did
Sleep my way through another raging, quiet night
And I'll wake up with scars on my dreams
Lit and burned with matches made of fear

I doubt the very existence that I have
Forget to write the song inside my head
Instead I plaster floors with sentences that have no meaning
And put a fraying, lying rug upon the swept-up dust
Bite my lip and pretend it's all clean and good
Try to ignore my conscience
Should've gone there
Should've done that
Should've said all those word that I didn't
Hang my long sleeves out to dry
Threaded with nights of sad, sad prayers
And hope that nobody steals them from me while I'm away.

Lyrics for the Morning

When you fall asleep listening to music, you tend to wake up with songs in your head. Lots of them. All of the lyrics and harmonies meshing together to make one BIG song that reverberates through your mind most of the day.

Well, that's what happens to me, anyway.

So here's a small taste of what's currently echoing in my somewhat empty brain. Try to imagine these two songs playing at the same time, with a few other songs too...

Chicago Is So Two Years Ago, Fall Out Boy:

My heart is on my sleeve
Wear is like a bruise or black eye
My badge, my witness
That means that I believed
Every single lie you said...

She took me down and said,
"Boys like you are overrated, so save your breath."
Loaded words and loaded friends
Are loaded guns to our heads

'Cause every pane of glass that your pebbles tap
Negates the pains I went through to avoid you
And every little pat on the shoulder for attention
Fails to mention I still hate you

But there's a light on in Chicago
And I know I should be home
All the colors of the street signs
They remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house

You want apologies?
Girl, you might hold your breath
Until your breathing stops forever
The only thing you'll get
Is this curse on your lips
I hope they taste of me forever



Now Calm Before the Storm, same artist:

I sat outside my front window
This story's going somewhere
"He's well hung," and I am hanging up
Well, there's a song on the radio that says
"Let's get this party started."
So let's get this party started

What you do one your own time's just fine
My imagination's much worse
I just never want to know
What meant the world had folded
Like legs and fingers holding on to what escapes me
What he has: a better kiss that never lasts...

This is me, standing in the arch of the door
Hating that look that's on your face
That says there's another fool like me
There's one born every minute
There's one born every minute

What you do on your time's just fine
My imagination's much worse
I just never want to know
What meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted all my oxygen
To product gas and suffocated my last chance

You said, between your smiles and regrets
"Don't say it's over."
Dead and gone, dead and gone

Calm before the storm set it off
And the sun burnt out tonight
A reception less than warm set it off
And the sun burnt out tonight.


If you knew how the melodies of these two songs went, you'd known exactly how confusing it is to have them stuck in your head simultaneously. Intriguing, yes, but mildly irritating, too.

Grrrawr. I'm gonna go make myself decent for the day. Maddy, Cassie, Treble, and I are all studying our bums off for the AP tests on Monday...what joy...

Abby's out.

The Hunt is Over!

Guess who got a job today? You get eighteen guesses, and the first seventeen are worthless. Oh, and I'll kill you if you don't get it right. :]

Yes. I, Abby, am now part of the ranks of the employed. The Panera Bread at the local mall had me come in for an interview today, and after fifteen minutes of getting to know my new GM, I'd been hired. Les doy las gracias a las gemelas [mis amigas "identicas"] para su gran apoyo. My Spanish class twinsies--Thing 1 and Thing 2--I seriously love you guys. Not kidding. :D

I start Tuesday with training, and continue on Thursday with some more orientation. Real work begins the next week. I honestly can't wait to get started. :] :]

Looks like this whole "growing up" thing comes a lot faster than I expected, though. It's not all bad, just a little scary, you know?

Who knows? I certainly don't. Maybe "growing up" will run smoothly. Maybe it'll all be perfect.

Maybe.