Walking on Sunshine

Things are starting to turn around for me. In life, I mean. I've been so happy today that people are actually asking me if I'm all right, because I sit and smile to myself without thinking.

If you know me at all, you know that that's not normal.

But I can't help it. I'm so happy.

And, like usual, when things go right for me, they go wrong for everyone else... Yet I don't care. Well, I care, it's just that I'm so caught up in being so happy that I can't really dwell or worry about all the other things right now. It isn't ruining my mood, I guess you could say.

I'm happy. I'm happy. Happy, happy, happy.

I hope things stay this way forever.

Contentment

I'm so happy right now, I could cry.

Does that make any sense at all?

I'm Going to be a Princess

By the way, I picked out my prom dress today. :D :D I'm absolutely in love with it:

It looks slightly different in real life, but you get the idea. I got the purple "amethyst" beading. I'm not normally a purple person, but it really looked good on me, so I went with it. :]

That's my brag of the day. Enjoy :]

Watching

Today, Querida, Kailey, and I all went to the Panera where Papa Burgundy now works, to visit him and check out the place. It's absolutely nothing like our Panera, which is a little strange, but it was awesome to see PB and our old GM again. Hearing their voices took me back to last summer, back when I was training and just starting to fit in...

Once we'd finished eating, we decided to watch people. Now, for the normal group of friends, people-watching is just a mildly creepy form of entertainment in which one finds humor in the bizarre habits of other human beings in a public venue. But ever since Kailey learned about my extra "emotional sense," she loves to test it out--preferably in crowded places.

This is how to conversation normally goes:

"Abby--Analyze me."

So I tell her what she's feeling. She looks me dead in the eyes, purposefully trying not to give anything away, to see how accurate I can be. And I analyze her.

When I'm done talking, she lifts her face, shakes her head once, and says, "You are so creepy."

Meaning, of course, that I was totally right.

And then she proceeds to select random people and asks me to analyze them, too.

"That guy in the blue shirt--what's he feeling?"

So I tell her. "Stressed. Something's bothering him, but it's way in the back of his head because he's trying too hard to focus on the sheer amount of stuff he has to finish by the end of today. He's worried, too, because he knows he won't finish. Oh, and he's a little wistful, too..."

The game continues until we've gone through pretty much everyone in the place. Querida had never seen this before, so she got in on the fun.

"Switch places with me, Abby, so you can see the guy I'm looking at, and tell me what he's feeling."

It went on for forever. It's really fun, actually. Once I focus on one single person and tap into their reservoir of feelings, it's too easy to read them, and I give my friends the chills when they realize that I'm exactly right.

Of course, I could be a little off. I have no way of knowing if I'm perfectly accurate, and I'd be willing to bet that there are many flaws in my methods. But then again, when they look at each person, my friends are almost always in agreement with my assessment.

"Oh my god, you're so right about that girl. She totally just flipped out over whatever she's working on. Oh my god, that's so creepy."

Welcome to how I spend my days. :]

In the Business

I feel so alone, and yet so...engulfed.

I wanted this. That's what I tell myself. I need this, this silence, this stillness. I need the reminder that there's more to life than what they all can feel.

But I feel alone, and although I may love it, I'm hating it right now.

I don't want all of them. Just some. I don't want everyone, just someone. Someone who can make my day brighter, instead of the other way around--the way it always is now. I can't have bad days. I can't have bad moments. No, I have to always be on top of things, because if I start slacking, their minds start going.

I have to be the one who pretends, or else the world will fall to pieces.

I am their system. I am the one with the words that can save, the words that induce healing in otherwise untouchable wounds. I am the one responsible for deluding them into thinking that everything can really be okay.

It's my fault. I'm to blame. I took care of them too much.

I took pity on the weak and tried to show them the way. It's really too bad I couldn't have carved a path for myself, too.

Maybe it's time to stop being selfless. Maybe it's time to take care of myself for a change. Forget what they think, what they feel, what they know--I need to care for me, and only me.

So no more pity. No more tending. I'm determined to become who I want to be, with or without the baggage attached.

And Then...

That place where insanity borders on action
I've booked a room for two, or three
You could join me if you'd like
I won't tell.

Maybe I'll bring someone else along
We're not anything like what they think
Brothers, sisters, people with pasts
You know me and I know you
I would never tell.

But I'm so scared
Scared that you'll open your mouth
That you'll tell.

Maybe a room for one would be better
Camping out on the insanity side
Right on the edge, leaning toward action
Crawling toward everything you fear
I can't tell.

Invasion

I feel cornered.

Have you ever felt that way? Like everyone around you has something to say and wants to be up in your face. Like that just want to tell you how to feel, how to think, how to function.

I know they care. But they're pushing me over the edge.

I need my space. My privacy. I know, that sounds a little strange coming from someone who's willing to put her words on the Internet, where literally anyone can access them and analyze her. But I don't care about anyone; I care about the someones. The people who know me and try to get into my head.

News flash: You can't get in. So just get out.

Ever feel like there are a thousand voices in your head? Like people just can't back off? Like they're stifling you, making you crazy, choking you...

Yes, that's where I'm at. Cornered like a crazy dog.

Ever feel like you just want to be alone? Alone with your own emotions, thoughts, and truths. Alone with the basic facts--that you're you, that they're them, and that the two will never be one.

That's what I feel. I want to be alone for awhile. It's not that I don't love them, or that they're not welcome in my life. It's that they're pissing me off.

I don't want to know that everyone cares. I already know who cares and who doesn't. I just want to be alone for awhile.

Just me. Abby. Without all the fluff and required caring. Please, just let me be.